Virgin In The Kitchen
by Galaxy-Defending-Hopeful
Summary: Dougie and Danny decide to cook curry for Harry and Tom, with disastrous consequences and a lot of giggles. Oneshot, no pairings, swearing and fluffiness.


**Dude, I don't even know. This plot bunny just hopped into my head and I had to write it. Set back when they lived in the bandhouse :)**

* * *

"Why don't we surprise Tom and cook dinner for once? He gets pretty pissed at us just ordering in pizza all the time, I think." Dougie suggested one day. It was shortly after his sixteenth birthday, and he and Danny were home alone while Tom and Harry were sorting necessary but boring things out with Fletch and Rashman (their managers), like bank accounts and house insurance. Dougie and Danny had been glad to be left behind – difficult and boring were not their style.

"Good idea!" Danny agreed. "What d'ya wanna cook?"

Dougie thought vaguely back to food tech lessons at school when he was eleven. He had been rather awful, and had spent half the lessons standing outside of the room, having been sent out for misbehaviour. There was one food that he remembered cooking – curry.

"How about a curry?"

Danny nodded enthusiastically.

* * *

"We have literally no food." Danny commented, staring into the fridge. Indeed, the only things in there were ketchup, cans of coke and a very elderly tub of cottage cheese. Dougie flapped a hand.

"We can improvise! We have a tin of tomatos, and chilli powder – we can sort something out!"

Danny pulled out the cheese and ketchup, while Dougie sifted random things out of the cupboard: flour, sugar, a bag of peanuts, sunflower oil, a jar of French mustard, a tin of peas and a jar of pickles.

"Let's get started!" Dougie exclaimed, grabbing one of the thus-far unused pans from a cupboard. After several stressful minutes of fiddling with the cooker, they managed to get a flame to appear. Danny placed the pan on it with almost ridiculous care, and poured in half the bottle of oil.

"Do you think that's enough?" he asked Dougie.

"I dunno." Dougie responded. "We'll see, won't we."

"What first?" Danny asked as the oil began to boil hotly.

"The tomato?"

They slopped in the tin of tomatos, and mixed it with a tablespoon until the red and yellow fluids combined to a gross-smelling mess.

"I think we can just add things in whatever order, now." Dougie said. The two began to eagerly add ingredients, ignoring the foul smell that was emitting from the pan.

* * *

"It's a bit _thick._" Danny commented after twenty minutes of stirring and adding and creating. Neither of them had thought to taste it.

"We should add some coke – it will give it more flavour than water." Dougie, ever the connoisseur, suggested. Danny shrugged, fetched a can and poured it in. The thick, stodgy mix thinned out a little, and turned dark brown.

"Shit! We haven't put in any chilli!"

"How much do we need?" Danny picked up the large jar of startlingly red powder and shook it around.

"I think we need, like...five, maybe six tablespoons? Maybe one of our little glasses full."

Dougie fetched one of the small drinking glasses from the cupboard, filled it with chilli powder and poured it in, stirring it with the tender care that one may pay to a newborn baby.

* * *

Tom and Harry entered the house to the smell of something spicy, sticky-sweet and rather disgusting.

"What's burning?" Harry called out.

"We cooked dinner!" Dougie proudly replied. "Come and have some!"

Harry and Tom dubiously entered the kitchen, looking warily at the four plates that were set out on the table. In the centre of the plates was a brown mush, with peanuts still solidly visible in each lump. Around the edge oil was swilling. The four sat down and stared at it.

"I'll go first." Tom bravely said, picking up a fork and shifting some of the strange gunk onto it. After a couple of seconds hesitation, he pushed it into his mouth. The other three watched his face closely.

"FUCK!"

He leaped up, fanning at his mouth, before turning the tap on and sticking his mouth in its path direction. After a long, long while, he pulled away, still fanning his mouth. He grabbed a can of coke from the fridge and downed it, swilling it around his mouth. Then he sat down, breathing heavily.

"What the FUCK did you put in that FUCKING thing?" he asked.

"Just what was in the cupboards." Dougie shrugged.

"It tastes like a fucking dragon shat in it, and then satan stuck his dick in!" Tom exploded.

"We didn't put in much chilli! Only a cupful!" argued Danny. "You must just be hyper-sensitive!"

"A CUP? You need half a teaspoon of that chilli – it's the extra-hot stuff!"

Dougie and Danny glanced at each other helplessly, before beginning to giggle.

"Who wants pizza?" Harry brightly asked. All nodded.

"Pizza is a good idea."


End file.
